It took nearly 6 months before people started to put it together. We did a suitable amount of damage, though. 6 months of testing this and trying that and finally the medical profession declared their discovery. With bags under their eyes, a few shifty glances and a sigh they announced to the world that it wasn’t a zombie apocalypse. This was something we’d seen before, it was leprosy.
The remaining healthy population shared a collective sigh of relief. Then, as though you could feel it ripple through the air, the cogs started turning in their heads. Finally someone voiced the confusion they all held. Why then, they all mouthed in synch, have they been attacking us?
Frankly, we’ve gotten a bit bored watching you guys scratch your balls to figure out that we weren’t the undead so we’re gonna go ahead and spell this one out for you. It’s simple really, once upon a time in a far away land a few decades ago someone with undiagnosed leprosy spent a little too much time in front of a dental x-ray. Presto, chango, Bob’s your uncle and a new anti-biotic resistant strain of leprosy was born. That guy infected this girl, who gave birth to infected twins who spread it to classmates who shared it with blah blah. You get it, right?
So then here we are, decades later and we’ve got an unprecedented number of lepors that can’t be treated! It’s a reverse miracle or something. But just like you idiots seemed to collectively realize what was going on, we collectively realized what we could do. When we all started falling apart, blistering and bleeding, losing muscle control and nerve sensitivity we all realized what you thought we were and really grasped our fate.
We weren’t treatable, we were forever this way. Everyone just assumed we’d never get better so what better time to live out some revenge fantasies, eh? Really, you know you’ve thought about the chance of you catching something terminal. What if? Just what if you decided to take someone out with you?
It was kinda like that. We were going to be festering, pus covered pariahs for life and you weren’t? Why? What the fuck did we do? Nope, it’s not going to be like that. Your zombie fears fed right into our naughty daydreams. It started with one dude, I saw it on the news in my parent’s basement. The hysteria started. One asshole leper, who probably would’ve bit his sister anyways, is all it takes to trigger global panic.
We did it cause we hate you. You’re everything we’d never get to be. Your husbands and wives, your kids and houses. Your jobs and cars, your trips to the bar, your family holidays. Your laughter, your hand shakes, your sex. Some stupid biblical illness leaves us looking like Baron Harkonnen and you twats are peachy keen?
Not on our watch.
I think about 30,000 people were killed at our hand. Funny how no one seemed to get sick after a nasty bite but you guys were far too scared to notice. We’ll call that the Zombie Placebo effect, cause y’all sure acted like you were sick. We forced you to scorch your own earth and we laughed while it burned. In the end, sure, we’re going to pay the price along with you but god damn it.
That was fun.

